Don’t be a dope when it comes to Barry Bonds
One of his attorneys called it “baffling.”
And lots of other clueless people were caught off guard when Barry “Jail” Bonds, American hero, was indicted for running a doping pharmacy inside his own skin. Not so for anyone who’d been paying attention. Consider the following signs Big Barry might have been spending too many happy hours at the Steroid Lounge:
• Laid down to nap one day, awoke to find climber Ed Viesturs attempting to scale his gigantic head.
• Raised eyebrows by hitting two home runs off single pitch from Mariner Jeff Weaver in July.
• Surreptitiously Googled “breast-reduction surgery” on clubhouse PC.
• Sent two dozen long-stemmed syringes to sprinter/liar Marion Jones when she divorced her first doper husband.
• Seen shopping for pants at Big, Tall & Juiced shop.
• San Francisco Giants 2007 Media Guide delayed three weeks while editors searched for a wide-angle lens for mug-shot camera.
• Once formed an investment cartel with Seattle Mariners minor-league pitchers to corner market on flaxseed oil.
• Already sent in pre-registration fee for 2008 Tour de France.
More suspicious substances:
At Long Last: Finally meeting a pent-up demand among local sports fans who yearn to spend money to watch nil-nil ties, Major League Soccer announced that it will expand to Seattle in 2009.
Dawg Bucks: University of Washington President Mark Emmert got another raise - $150,000 a year more, to $905,000. Regents told him if he wants any more money, he’s just going to have to wear a whistle and field a perennial-loser football team.
Speaking of Which: We know Tyrone Willingham is a great guy and a fine leader. But c’mon: Any Husky coach who loses six straight to Oregon schools should at least be on double-secret probation. We’re just not programmed for this sort of humiliation.
Meanwhile, in Karachi: Former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto can’t seem to find ways to stay out of the clutches of President Pervez Musharraf’s military police. Maybe she could get some pointers from Osama bin Laden.
This Week’s Nuclear Eye-Roll Award: To Mike Rains, defense attorney for Bonds: “Every American should worry about a Justice Department that doesn’t know if waterboarding is torture and can’t tell the difference between prosecution on the one hand and persecution on the other.” Yeah, that’s our man Barry. One step away from the stretching rack.
Speaking of Unjustly Persecuted: A fresh quote from O.J. Simpson we could not possibly have made up: “As always, I rely on the jury system.”
Pretty Soon, We’ll Be Talking Real Money: A new study shows that, due to “hidden costs,” the real price tag for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan is now up to $1.5 trillion. On the bright side, because the wars are being paid for entirely by credit card, the federal government now has a 215,000-year supply of frequent-flier miles.
Swifter, Higher, Sleazier: A group of Vancouver prostitutes is pushing for legalized “co-op brothels” to cater to big-time partiers visiting for the 2010 Winter Olympics. Sheez; some people will do anything to get Bode Miller to show up.
Attention, David Stern: Still confused about why the NBA doesn’t work in Seattle (where the Sonics stormed out of the barn at 0-8) and soon won’t work anywhere else? Wrap your head around this: Wally Szczerbiak, $12 million a year.
And Finally: Oregon scientists have taken the first steps to successfully clone a monkey. OK, but when are they going to get around to cloning something we actually need more of? Honey bees, maybe. Or Brandi Carlile.Ron Judd’s columns appear in Sunday’s
A section and Thursday’s Northwest Weekend section. Email: rjudd@seattletimes.com